cschumac@waun.tdsnet.com (Chris Schumacher)

Begin --> Mamono Hunter Ranma Revival #1
                                                                      !
Author's Foreword: As with every profession, once writers do their
work for a long time, they tend to get better at it. As I look back
at my early Ranma fanfics, I can't help but cringe. One of my personal
favorites was Mamono Hunter Ranma, but the writing just plain stunk,
and in most cases the plot was sacrificed in favor of humor. [Yes, I
can imagine warning bells going off in the heads of fans of this
series. Worry not, I won't repeat the mistakes of Douglas Adams.]
This is a replacement fanfic, not a sequel. I recommend that everyone
read this, people who read the original and people who didn't, because
both of you will find something new within these pages. I would also
like to thank the one person who voted for MHR as the best Ranma
Fanfic of 1995, just it getting nominated made it worthwhile. :)
And unlike the Crys Saga, I'm not embarrassed of this work, I just
think it could have been done better, and I'm correcting that now.

Author's Original Foreword: I think this might take a while to explain,
as a break from the Crys Saga, I've decided to work on an
idea that's been nagging at me for quite a while. While
reading Steve Tsai's "Sailor Ranma" I got to thinking.....
If we could cross Ranma and Sailor moon, why can't we cross
Mamono Hunter Yohko and Ranma 1/2? This FanFic will be wacky,
zany, strange, errie, frightening, and a little obscene in
parts. But, then again, what are FanFics for? Also, I stole
the idea of the transformation of Ranma into MH Ranma from
Sailor Ranma. So, let's just get that out of the way here
and now.
[Last several sentences removed due to the fact that they no longer
have anything to do with this story.]

[We see a dark screen. We hear a clicking noise in the background.
It grows faster and more fierce by the second. We suddenly see a
teenage female with red-hair fly in front of the camera for a second.
She lands on the ground a few feet away from the camera and makes
a motion with her hands, a Ki-bolt strikes the camera and the image
solarizes. When it comes back down to viewable levels, we see the
Mamono Hunter Ranma logo with a red silhouette of Ranma-chan standing
next to it.]

                        M A M O N O  H U N T E R
                               R A N M A
                            -R E V I V A L-

[We see a serene scene of a grassy shore with a tree on it. The water
from the lake silently overflows and covers the camera. When it goes
back down to normal levels, we see two familiar characters sitting
on the shore. One of them is dressed in a red shirt with wood
fasteners and black slacks, and the other is clad in some kind of
combat garb. A bow adorns her head, and she has an ammo-belt running
across her torso diagonally. But instead of bullets, each harness
contains a spatula with a razor sharp edge. The two characters look
at each for two beats. They have dreamy looks in their eyes. They
look dreamy, they're all alone, it's early...you figure out what's
going to happen.]

Ranma:  [Sheepishly] Um, Ukyo...I just wanted you to know, this is
my first time.

[Ukyo Nods]
Ukyo:  Mine too.

Ranma:  [Surprised] Ukyo!

Ukyo:  Well, what did you expect? Most of the time people thought I
was a guy, there really weren't that many opportunity to get layed!

Ranma:  Shhh...You're ruining the mood.

[We have several shots of cheery blossoms falling from the tree to
the ground. Finally we cut back to Ukyo and Ranma. Ranma is lying
on the ground, and Ukyo is on top of him. They are still clad in
their clothes, though Ukyo's spatula-belt is lying next to the tree.]

Ukyo:  Oh...Ranma, you're SO aggressive....

[Out of sight and out of mind several tentacles start to come out
from behind the tree. One of them picks up the spatula belt and throws
it into the lake. It makes a PLOP!]

Ukyo:  Ooooohhh...was that you, Ranchan? Ulp! [Suddenly we see that
some of the tentacles have wrapped around Ukyo's legs] It's Urotes...
Urotesk......Inju all over again! [The tentacles pull her up and
place her near the mouth of the enormous beast that is the source of
the tentacles.]

[Ranma leaps up from his position.]

Ranma:  Ukyo!

[Ukyo turns around for a last glance. Suddenly her face turns gray
and dead, she becomes a zombie.]

Ranma:  No!!!!!!! [He closes his eyes tight in fear. When he opens
them again we see that he is lying in his bed. He breathes a sigh
of relief, but one that is short lived, because he gets smacked in
the head with a frying pan less than a second later.]

Ranma:  Ow! That hurt!
[We pan over to Genma, he looks much older and wrinkles adorn his
face. But unlike most Takahashian old people, he is more than two
feet tall. In fact, he is as tall as in regular Ranma. Genma is
holding a stopwatch and is looking at it disapprovingly.]

Genma:  Bad Ranma, very bad. Your reflexes were down .5 seconds this
time. That added with the fact that you actually let the frying pan
hit you....I'm afraid I'll have to give you an "F" for effort.

Ranma:  [Jumps out of bed. He is PISSED] FOR CRIPES SAKE, GRAMPS,
I WAS SLEEPING!!!!!!!

[Genma looks at him in awe.]

Ranma:  Ah...Gramps?
[Genma goes over and pulls open Ranma's mouth and looks in at it.]

Ranma:  ?!!

Genma:  How did you make that thing in the back of your throat dance
like that? [Yes, I know what it's called.]

[Ranma chomps down his teeth, but Genma manages to get his hands out
of his mouth before he does.]

Genma:  [Clears throat] Anyway, as I was saying, "Women are born with
dexterity, men only strength.". You must never forget that.

Ranma:  [Grits teeth] Yes, gramps. [Thought] I'm going to kill that
old bastard one of these days.

[Note: In this universe, Genma was the grampa of Ranma. Soun was his
father. Therefore Ranma is known as Ranma Tendo. And if you don't
like it, tough.]

[We cut to the kitchen/living area of the Tendo/Saotome apartment.
Nodoka Saotome-Tendo is chopping vegetables on the cutting board with
a knife. A katana is lying on the table next to the cutting board in
case some of the vegetables prove too tough. Genma is walking around
the apartment talking on a cordless phone.]

Genma:  Okay, take the money I won from the last race and pull it all
on "Jughead" in the fifth race. [Person on the other end says
something.] Look, I know what I'm doing, just do it.

Nodoka:  [Growling] Cook, clean, that's all I do around here, while
he takes all the money we earn and spends it on useless dojo equipment
and gambling. I still can't believe he lost that Dojo to that Gambling
King character......
[Genma sits down at the table]

Genma:  What is that you're saying, daughter?

Nodoka:  I was just complaining about the economics of this household,
that's all. [chop,chop,chop]

Genma:  Well, you shouldn't concern yourself with that. Hi no youjin,
osen nakasuna, uma koyase. *

[* - "Watch out for fires, don't make the children cry, and let the
horses eat all they want." An old Japanese saying about what a woman's
work should be.]

[Nodoka slowly reaches over to the katana next to the cutting board.
But the sound of footsteps from the stairs stays her hand. Ranma walks
over and takes his place at the table.]

Ranma:  Good morning, mom.

Nodoka:  Did you sleep well, son?

Ranma:  [We notice dark bags under his eyes] Sorta...

Nodoka:  You should get all the sleep you can these days, because
when you get older, oversleeping is a lot more tiring than
oversleeping, and that reminds me of something my mother used to
say....blah, blah blah.....

[Genma leans over to Ranma and uses the paper to block the view of
their conversation from Nodoka.]

Genma:  I really wish she'd shut up and give us the food. Women these
days...

Nodoka:  I heard that!
[She pulls up the katana.]

Genma:  Oh, you want a fight, do you? [He stands up from the table
and pulls a hammer out of hammerspace.]

Nodoka:  Prepare to die, old man!

Genma:  I'd rather be an old man than a lecherous slut like you!
[Fight occurs during all of this dialogue]
Nodoka:  I don't approve of the way you've raised my son, father!

Genma:  Well, it's a helluva lot better than you and that nimrod
Soun ever could have done it!

Nodoka:  How dare you, insulting Ranma's father in front of him,
I won't allow it!

[We cut to the kitchenette, where Ranma is eating Miso soup with
a ladel out of a pot on the stove. He watches the fight for a while,
gets his backpack, and prepares to leave.]

Genma:  Hey, where are you going? [Looks back at the kitchenette]
There's still food left.

Ranma:  Sorry, I wasn't that hungry.
[He starts to go out the door.]

Nodoka:  Wait...don't forget these... [She throws a case. Ranma leaps
up and grabs it. He looks at it. It's a rectangular plastic case
about 5x5 inches.]

Ranma:  Are these what I think they are?

Nodoka:  Don't be a goose, no High School student should be without
them.
[Ranma opens the case and several disks spill out. Ranma leaps back
in terror.]

Ranma:  Windows 95?! Mom, you've always known I'm an OS/2 kind of man!
[Author's Note: This joke was updated]

[We cut to a scene of a meadow. Ukyo Kuonji is walking through it
on her way to school. We pan over to see Ranma leaning over a railing
to watch her walking by. Suddenly flower-petals start flying in the
background of Ukyo walking. A man with purple hair trails behind
her, slowly]

Man:  No, the Protozor! We're all doomed....DOOMED! You'll all be
Zors, I promise this, you'll all be.... [He suddenly disappears as
the jerks that work at the studio cut his series at the halfway point]

[As Ukyo walks underneath him, Ranma yells her name and waves. She
waves back.]

[We cut to about ten feet behind Ranma. Sitting on the stairs of
a building is Shampoo. She is dressed in a school uniform, and looks
wantoningly at Ranma.]

Shampoo:  Shampoo wish Ranma love her as much as girl-man Ukyo....

[Out of the building comes Nabiki. She walks down the stairs a bit
and looks at her lovesick sometimes-friend.]

Nabiki:  You know, it'll be hard to get a crack at him from all the
way over here.

Shampoo:  ........

[After a beat, Nabiki snaps her fingers.]

Nabiki:  I got it! Wait here, there's something I want to show you!

[We cut to a shot of Ranma's smiling face. Suddenly his eyes turn
to the right, and he wears a scowl. We cut back to see that Nabiki
has managed to cut Ranma's shirt completely off with hedgeclippers.]

Nabiki:  Look at those pecs, and those biceps!

[Shampoo is awestruck.]

Shampoo:  This too much for Shampoo.... [Blood drips out of her
nose and she passes out.]

Ranma:  [Angry] Nabiki!

Nabiki:  Sorry, I was just performing a little service for a social
unfortunate. Either she is too proud to take charity, or your assets
were too much for her to handle. [Laughs]

Ranma:  That Shampoo is so bizarre! [He turns back to look over the
railing] Now, her on the other hand....

[We hear a distant school bell ring.]

Nabiki:  [Straining to hear] I heard a bell.

Ranma:  You must be hearing things, because if that was a bell.....

Ranma,Shampoo,Nabiki&Darth Vader:  THEN WE'RE LATE!

[We hear the snap of a whip. We pan over and see the Furinkan
Principal, in all his Hawaiian glory. He is holding a whip which
appears to be made entirely out of coconut fiber/hair.]

Principal:  Aloha! Late again, I see.

Nabiki:  I knew he was strict, but I never imagined that the principal
was into S&M!

Shampoo:  He's in a worse mood than usual.

Ranma:  [Mellow laugh. Looks down at his chest. Stops laughing.]

Principal:  And what pathetic excuse have you cooked up for me this
time?

Ranma:  Well, you see, Nabiki tore off my shirt....

Principal:  [Slapping whip against his hand, sending an aroma of
coconut all over] YOU CALL THAT AN EXCUSE?!

All Three:  We won't do it again, sir!
[Suddenly a man appears behind the principal.]

Man:  Hey.....

Principal:  [Ignoring him] Now, get off to class!
[They begin to march off, single file. But as Shampoo passes, the
principal grabs her by the shoulder.]

Principal:  You! I want to see you in my office after school.
[Sinister tone] Any objections to that?

Shampoo:  H...Hai!

Principal:  Yes...that would do nicely. *
[* Look up "Hai" in Cantonese, you'll see the meaning behind this
then.]

Man:  Excuse me, sir?

Principal:  [Irritated] What is it?!

Man:  I couldn't help but notice your nice coconut whip, can I buy
it off you?
[The principal hands it to him.]

Principal:  Here you can have it. I don't need it beyond this scene.

Man:  Have it? You mean you're just going to give it to me for free?

Principal:  All right then, 100 Yen.

Man:  No, 70.

Principal:  I was just about to give it you for nothing!

Man:  Alright, 60, but that's my final offer.

Principal:  40.

Man:  Are you mad? 55.

Principal:  Look, I don't have time to do this rip-off of the bartering
scene from "The Life Of Brian". Decide whatever you want to pay for
it and send me the money, I have to get to wardrobe.

Man:  Oh yeah, why?

Principal:  I need to get some easily retractable clothes.

Man:  [Awe] Awwwwkay...

[We cut to after school. Shampoo is in front of the principal's
office. She is about to knock.]

Principal:  [From behind door] Come in.



[We cut to a swimming pool. At one of the picnic tables on the side
are sitting Ranma and Nabiki. They are both wearing swimming suits,
and it makes one wonder if Ranma ever got another shirt. Ranma looks
bored while Nabiki is eating everything in sight.]

Ranma:  You know, Nabiki, make you should consider going on a diet.
That is, unless you want to date Chris Farley when you go to college
in America.

Nabiki:  [Doesn't stop eating] Stuff it. I don't eat as much as YOU!

Ranma:  Ah, but I exercise more. And exercise burns fat. Didn't you
read the manual that came with your body?

Nabiki:  [Puts a finger under her right eye and sticks up tongue]
Pbbbb!!!!!!

[Ranma spies something in a wrapper on Nabiki's plate. He reaches
forward and grabs it.]

Ranma:  I thought Ukyo destroyed all of these after Joe left town,
I'm glad to see I'm wrong. [He starts to put the crepe into his
mouth, but Nabiki makes a grab for it.]

Nabiki:  Ranma, I was saving that! [She drops the cow
thigh she was eating down onto the plate and chases after Ranma,
who is now standing next to the pool, preparing to eat the crepe.
Suddenly a newspaper goes down from the table behind them, and
we see a black male teenager behind it. He gets up and runs over to
the table.]

Zack/Harlan:  Man, that girl eats more than me! [He starts to wolf
down all of the stuff that Nabiki didn't eat.]

[We cut to the poolside confrontation. Ranma begins to bite into
the crepe, but Nabiki yanks it out of his hand. Ranma begins to
lose his balance, but manages to save himself before falling in.]

Ranma:  Whew, that was close! [Makes the "V" sign. Suddenly a meteor
falls down from the sky and hits him in the back of the head, knocking
him into the pool. Nabiki reaches out and grabs the meteor. She then
proceeds to eat the crepe extremely fast.]

Nabiki:  Hey, this meteorite has doubled my agility! [Looks at it
for a moment] But what use will I have for it? [Throws it into the
pool and walks back to the table, where she finds the Ex-Black Ranger
eating all her food.]

Nabiki:  What are you doing?!!!!

Zack:  Whoops..gotta split. Be seeing you. [He runs off, Nabiki
tries to catch up with him, but he's far too fast for her.]

[We cut to Ranma in the pool, falling,falling,falling, etc......]

Ranma:  
[A huge monster appears near the bottom of the pool. It's tentacles
reach up and grab Ranma.]

[We cut to the Principal's office. We see that he is watching this
on an odd looking TV set. It is bone-white, has the logo "BONY" on
it, and has an antennae shaped like a pentagram.]

Principal:  [Between Twinkies] Ha, now that's comedy!

[We cut to the pool. Nabiki is looking over the side for Ranma.]

Nabiki:  Ranma? Ranma? How long are you planning on staying down
there?
[We cut to Ranma being tangled up in tentacles by the beast. He
begins to turn red. He screams out, we can hear his muffled speech
somewhat]

Ranma:  Hiryuu Shoutenha!
[He raises his fist in triumph, the whirlwind tears the creature
apart, and Ranma floats to the surface. We cut to the principal's
office. The Pentacle-shaped antennae starts to glow. Suddenly a hand
comes out of it. It opens and we see a little man standing in the
palm.]

Voice:  You have been a thorn in my side for far too long Avatar. Your
two worlds shall be crushed; Brittania first...Wait a second, this
ain't Pagan! [The hand closes over the man, and pulls back into the
pentacle] Sorry about this. [As soon as the hand is back in the
pentacle, the TV explodes.]

Principal:  [Jumps up in rage] Damn it! And I just made the last
payment on that, too! [Kicks it] Damn you, Tendo! **

[** How soon you forget, it's Ranma Tendo.]

[We cut back to the pool. Ranma is gasping as he holds onto the ladder
for dear life, Nabiki has her arms on his shoulders, trying to calm
him down.]

Nabiki:  Sorry, Ranma, I didn't mean to drown you.

Ranma:  Oh, it's okay, I.....

[Suddenly a shadow covers them. And we see a male teenager in a blue
set of bathing trunks. He has a sheathed bokken at his side. He is
holding a heavy looking anvil]

Kunou:  Hello. Ranma Tendo, isn't it?

Ranma:  Kunou-Sempai!

Kunou:  Here, borrow my anvil. [He drops the anvil into the water.
Ranma grabs it and sinks to the bottom.] Oh, so sorry. [He walks off,
laughing his ass off.]

Nabiki:  God, what a prick!
[Ranma surfaces just offNabiki]

Nabiki:  Are you okay?

Ranma:  I...[spits water] think so.
[Note: He's still a man.]

[We cut to about a half-hour later. We see Ranma's reflection as he
looks through a fishbowl at two fish swimming around.]

Ranma:  Chico! Chico!

Nabiki:  Are you sure you're alright?

Ranma:  Si, Senorita.

Nabiki:  [Smacks him] Better now?

Ranma:  Hai.
[We cut to a minute later. Ranma and Nabiki are standing outside
of the Chico Pescado restaurant.]

Nabiki:  I'd better walk you home.

Ranma:  No, Nabiki, really I'm fine.

Nabiki:  Fine, I'll see you tomorrow. Ciao.

Ranma:  Ciao.

[Ranma starts to walk in the direction of home. He passes a slickly
dressed woman leaning against a car, but he doesn't seem to notice
her.]

Shampoo:  Ranma.

Ranma:  [Turning] 'Eh?

Shampoo:  Ranma.

Ranma:  [Looking at her closely] Shampoo?
                        <>

Shampoo:  It is I.

Ranma:  [Shock] What happened to you? You look so different.

Shampoo:  I have come to a decision, Ranma. I am going to invest
my money in T-Bills and CDs.

Ranma:  Uh...that's great, Shampoo. But what does this have to
do with...

Shampoo:  You? Glad you asked. You see, when a women falls in love,
they change. I've changed for you.

Ranma:  Uh....we really don't know each other....

Shampoo:  Then why don't we get 'Knowledge' of each other? ***
[*** - As in the bible. "But I have known no man."]

Ranma:  Ah...okay.
[Cut to 10 minutes in the future]
Ranma:  And then, my Grandfather trades me to Kaori's father for
some fish and rice..and then...
[Cut to 20 Minutes Into The Future]
Max:  I mean, with all these security systems, who do you, who do you,
who do you, think you're protecting yourselves from?
[Cut to 30 minutes later]
Ranma:  And then, George said to Jane "How do I stop this crazy thing?"

Shampoo:  [Bored out of her skull] That isn't what I meant.

Ranma:  [British accent] What did you say?

Shampoo:  I said that isn't what *I* meant. ****
[**** - See "I, Borg."]

Ranma:  What happened to you? You no longer refer to yourself in
the third person....
[Shampoo grabs Ranma and kisses him. Ranma blinks and his eyes turn
a pinkish color.]

Ranma:  I've got to start using Visane.



[Genma breaks down the door to the hotel room and throws the sanksript
tag at Shampoo's head. She falls over on the bed and a black shadow
comes out of her.]

Genma:  It seems I got here just in time.

Ranma:  [Coming out of his trance] Grandfather!

Genma:  [Smirk] It seems that Shampoo was possessed by more than
just lust.
[Ranma starts to pull his clothes on, but Genma's eye is pulled
more towards the naked Chinese girl on the bed than the door.]

Ranma:  Come on, grandfather.

Genma:  How old is this girl?

Ranma:  Sixteen.

Genma:  [Sigh] Life's a bitch, isn't it?
[Ranma runs out, a reluctant Genma trailing behind.]

[We cut forward to an image of a monitor with green-on-black writing]

****************************************************************
***     Secret Mamono Hunter Network                         ***
***   Password:Who Cut The Cheese?                           ***
***   Identicode: Mamono Hunter Sinclair                     ***
***            Mamono Hunter Sheridan                        ***
***                                                          ***
***                                                          ***
***                                                          ***
*** Extra: Isn't Deep Space Nine the lamest thing            ***
***        you've ever seen?                                 ***
***        Access Granted!                                   ***
****************************************************************
****************************************************************

[We cut to Genma and Ranma going down in an elevated platform type
thing. They are slowly entering a huge underground chamber.]

Ranma:  When you did you put this in?

Genma:  [Whirl, click, pop] It has always been here.

[We cut to several moments later. Genma and Ranma are sitting at a
table. Laid across the table is a long ancient scroll. It has many
things scrawled on it in Japanese besides the ancient writings, among
them; "Akkiko is an old bag!" "Why am I blue?" and "Who ate all the
Crackling Oat Bran?"]

Genma:  In the beginning, there were two forces. Those of good,
which consists of almost all human beings, excluding politicians and
Kennedy's. And on the other side were those of the darkness; Mamono's,
as well call them. It has been our task, as those of the Saotome line,
to obliterate these evil manifestations wherever they may rear their
ugly head. Behold! [He jerks his finger and points up to a shelf] We
are out of doughnuts!

Ranma:  Gramps!

Genma:  Sorry. [Clears throat] Behold, even now, the moons of our
dimensions align, and during that time, the Demons can stand on Human
soil! They rejoice, and eat our doughnuts, anticipating the birth of
their Dark King!

[Genma goes back over to the platform, Ranma follows. They go back
up to the house. Genma goes over to a cupboard and opens it with a
Skull Key. He pulls out a vial that contains a reddish-clear liquid.]

Genma:  When you douse yourself with this, you will become your
Mamono Hunter form. In this form, all evil will flee from you. You
will also return to this form whenever you get splashed with cold
water.

Ranma:  [Anxious] Wait, if this is hereditary, then why do I have to
do it...why not mom?

Genma:  Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Ranma:  [Shrugs] I don't know.

Genma:  Because she was a woman! Same reason here.

Ranma:  Oh, yeah.... [Thought] Sexist fanfic. [Spoken] So, you're the
last Mamono Hunter, 'eh? What form are you?

[Genma picks up the fire bucket from the floor and dumps it on himself.
He turns into a Panda.]

Ranma:  P...Panda!

Genma:  [Nods] (I can hold no enemity against those concerned with
evil. But to those vile beings who toy with the hearts and souls of
men, since the time of Ancient Gods, we have been your destroys.
107th Generation Mamono Hunter Genma Saotome is here!) [Smaller sign]
(I love that old spiel!)

Ranma:  And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

[Genma dumps hot water on himself]

Genma:  Just a warning to the Mamonos.

Ranma:  Oh...How did you change back?

Genma:  Warm water reverses the effects until you hit cold water
again.

Ranma:  Wait, so you mean I'm going to turn into my patron beast
everytime I get hit with cold water?!!!

Genma:  Yes, and we must not complain about it, because it is our lot,
if you do not do this, no one else will.

Ranma:  Damn you, Old Man! You're always doing stuff like this to me,
it's a good thing that I'm a Tendo or you'd probably try and engage
me to one of Boolean's daughters!

Genma:  Stop complaining, it's ours to do, ask not why, ours to do..
groof, groof...

Ranma:  [Holding a now empty water bucket] Wasn't there something you
wanted to say pop?

Genma:  Groof.

Ranma:  [Smirk] Didn't think so. [He picks the red vial off the desk
and pockets it.] Who knows, I might just need this.

[Genma pours a bucket of warm water on himself that he got from the
tap]

Genma:  Watch yourself tonight Ranma, this is evil's eve, anything can
happen!

[As he says this, an extremely familiar looking figure walks past the
window. He turns and looks in.]

Elvis:  Uh-huh!

[Genma puts the bucket away and starts to go up the steps, he turns
around and sees Ranma still standing near the stairs]

Genma:  Weren't you going to go to bed?

Ranma:  No...I'm waiting for Jimmy Hoffa to show up.
[Drum-beat]

[We cut to the Tokyo skyline, the next morning. It is raining down
hard. We cut to the hall outside the Principal's office. Ukyo stands
before it, ready to knock.]

Principal:  [From behind door] Come in.

[We cut to the platform that Ranma was looking down from the day
before. Ukyo isn't there. Shampoo and Nabiki are gone as well. Ranma
stands near the railing, using an umbrella to keep the rain away.]

Ranma:  I wonder where she is today? [After waiting a few more minutes,
he reluctantly continues on to school.]

[We cut to the empty, dark, hallways of Furinkan High School. Ranma
is walking through them and looking for anyone else around, but there's
no one.]

Ranma:  Where is everyone? Was there another bomb threat? [He finally
reaches his locker. He spins the dial three times, and pulls the
release. One the shelf sits a red rose, with a folded piece of paper
underneath it.]

Ranma:  Hey, what's this?
[He picks it up and opens it]

Kunou Voiceover:  Dear Honored Guest, if you do not return the towels,
ashtrays, shower curtain, lightbulbs and smoke detector that you took
from my mansion when you stayed there recently, I shall be forced to
punish you to the fullest extent of the law. Thank you, -Tatewaki Kunou

Ranma:  [Snicker] What the Hell.....
[He flips it over.]
Ranma:  Ah....

Kunou Voiceover:  Dear Ranma, if you are concerned about the health
of your friend/cousin Nabiki Tendo, I suggest that you make her
some chicken soup and send her a get well card. If you want her to
live, you had better come to Furinkan Tower at the park. If you
are not there, there will be, quite literally, hell to pay.
   -The Dark King

Ranma:  [Grumples] What an idiot, if he wants to conceal his identity,
he shouldn't have re-used stationary! [As we pan back, we see that
the letter had the Kunou letter-head on it. As Ranma attempts to
re-read it, the words drip off the page. Ranma throws the paper to
the floor in disgust] And he uses a cheap pen too!

[We cut to Ranma walking towards Furinkan Park. As he passes into
it, he sees the bushes nearby rusling.]

Ranma:   [Suddenly a
man-sized blue monster rushes out of the bushes. He looks somewhat
human, however.]

Ranma:  Youma!*
[* - Evil Spirit]

[The monster looks at him for a moment and then reaches back into
the bushes, obviously looking for something. He finally finds what
he's looking for, a pair of red spectacles. He places them on his
face.]

Monster:  Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Akihbara? I
seem to have lost my way.

Ranma:  Whaaaa?

Monster:  Odd, I thought you would speak Japanese. Hmm. 

Ranma:  No, no, I speak Japanese....uh...what...ARE you?

Monster:  I am a human. At least, I used to be. It all had to do
with a lab accident a few years ago....

Ranma:  Uh..What do they call you?

Monster:  Hmmm..Hank. Hank will do nicely. So, you don't know how
to get to the Akihbara district?

Ranma:  No, I know how to get there... [He gives him directions.]

Hank:  Thanks much.
[He walks off in the direction that Ranma pointed out. Ranma just
watches in awe as he leaves for several minutes. Finally he shakes his
head]

Ranma:  I must have imagined that. [He walks to Furinkan Park.]

[We cut to Furinkan Park. The large tower dominates the center of the
park. Ranma walks in from the west side, heading towards the entrance.]

Ranma:  Nabiki? Nabiki? [He finally sees her ahead of him. She's glued
to a tree] Oh damn...Don't worry, I'll get you free. [Ranma leaps up and
pulls her off of the tree.]

Ranma:  Nabiki?

Nabiki:  .....[Opens eyes]

Ranma:  Are you all right?

Nabiki:  [Gruff] Ranma.
[She grabs him and holds him over her head. She then hurls him into a
gazebo-like structure which has appeared out of nowhere. As Ranma
begins to land in it, thousands of sticky threads appear out of nowhere
and stick to him, suspending him several feet above the floor. He
cannot move.]

[Suddenly the principal appears from behind a tree]

Principal:  Ah, nice to see you were able to make it, Ranma. It seems
that the Saotome line will end with you.

Ranma:  [Grits teeth] Don't bet on it! No Mamono, no Demon, can hold
an imprisoned world by force of arms forever, there is no greater power
in the.... [Suddenly a car pulls up and a sleazy gaijin comes up and
hands a piece of paper to Ranma. He then goes back to the car and
drives off.]

Principal:  What is that?

[Ranma looks down at it. [He can still move his hands a little.]]

Ranma:  It's a warning from Straczynski's lawyer, if I quote Babylon 5
once more, they're going to sue Chris for all he's got.

Principal:  Ha! I'd like to see how much they'd get for his comic book
collection!

Ranma:  Anyway...I won't be defeated!

[Suddenly Nabiki appears with a halberd in her hands]

Nabiki:  Heh-heh, blood spurting's cool. Heh-heh. [The end of the halberd
falls off] Heh-heh, this axe sucks.

Ranma:  Nabiki, snap out of it!

Nabiki:  Heh-heh, they should give you the chair. Yeah..heh-heh, the
chair.

Principal:  Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a ceremony to perform.
[She holds up her hand and Ukyo's comatose body floats up out of a pond
inbetween the gazebo and the tower. Kunou's from appears over it.]

Ranma:  You've got to be kidding! You made KUNOU the Dark King? That
dork can't tie his own shoelaces, much less lead an evil empire to
take possession of the Earth.

Principal:  Exactly, if we had chosen someone else, we might have won.
Come on, Kunou.

[Ukyo is standing vertical and follows behind Kunou as he goes into the
tower.]

Principal:  All right, Nabiki, kill him.

Nabiki:  Heh-heh. Cool. Fire, fire!!!!! [She pulls out a flame thrower.]

Ranma:  Holy shit!

[We cut to the othersyde of the park. We have a camera-mounted view of
a sanskript tag flying from the sidewalk, over the lawn, up a ladder,
down a slide, over the edge of a teeter-totter, around a tree,
through the sandbox, in-between two rocks, past Kunou, past Ukyo, in the
pond, over Ranma, and finally planting itself on the head of Nabiki.
Nabiki falls over before getting a chance to use the flamethrower. ]

Ranma:  [Sigh of relief] Whew! That was close.

[The principal turns around.]

Principal:  Who's out there?!

[We cut to a cliff which seems to have miraculously appeared right next to
the tower.  Genma Saotome is standing on this cliff. He is
in the form of a Panda.]

Genma:  {I can hold no enemity against those concerned with evil, but to
those vile beings who toy with the hearts and souls of men, since the
time of ancient gods, we have been your destroyers. 107th generation
Mamono Hunter Genma Saotome is here, beware!}

[The principal is still looking for the attacker. Genma picks up a rock
and throws it at the principal. He turns up and looks at him.]

Genma:  {Up here. Yes, that's right, me!} [He then holds up the other
HUGE sign, and then jumps to the ground.]

Principal:  Oooh, I'm scared. And how are you supposed to beat me up,
Mr. Panda? What's your weapons, a Bamboo Pole? Hahahaha!!! [Genma scowls,
and then shakes his head. He then brings down the HUGE sign on the neck
of the Principal.] Well that was....creative. [He keels over.]

[Suddenly the silky-strands are retracted from Ranma's body and he is
free.]

Ranma:  Thanks a ton pop!

Genma:  {You must stop Kunou from becoming the Dark King!}

Ranma:  Aren't you going to help?

Genma:  {No, Matlock is on. Sayonara.}

Ranma:  You stupid oaf!

[Genma holds up a sign that has a drawing of the middle-finger on it.
He then runs out of the park.]

Ranma:  FINE! It looks as if I'll have to do this myself! [He pulls the
vial out of his pants pocket. He holds it up the sky, where the
moonlight glints off of the surface of the fluid]

Ranma:  I can hold no enemity against those who concern themselves with
evil. But to those vile beings who toy with the hearts and souls of men,
since the time of ancient gods we have been your destroyers. [He pops the
cork out] 108th Generation Mamono Hunter Ranma Tendo is here. [He pours
the cordial onto his head] BEWARE!

[Insert some cheesy transformation music here as our hero changes. He
finally comes out in a slinky red dress with a yin-yang on the chest.
His hair is now red, and he is now a...SHE!]

Ranma:  WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!!! [He looks down at himself] I'VE BECOME
A GIRL?!!!!

Demon Voice:  Come, 108th Generation Mamono Hunter, come witness the
rebirth of the Dark King, and the start of the Kunou fast food franchise.
[We suddenly notice that a large neon "K" adorns the top of the tower.
It wasn't there a moment ago....]

Ranma:  HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DEFEAT DEMONS LIKE THIS?!!!!

[We cut to the top of the tower. Kunou is dudded up in some dark-armor
kind of stuff. Ukyo just stands on the dais, in a daze. We see that the
entire top of the tower is done in a "Dark Temple" motif. It kind of
makes one wonder if they got the sets from Ghostbusters.]

Demon Voice:  Now, Tatewaki Kunou, consummate your role by fulfilling
the ritual, and become our Dark King!

[Kunou walks across the dais to the dazed Ukyo. He reaches forward and...
reaches into her pocket and grabs her wallet. He opens it up and pulls
out all of the yen bills. He holds him up to the dark sky and laughs
maniacally.]

[We cut back to the park. Ranma-Chan is crying on the ground. We see
two teenagers approaching. Both wear glasses, but one looks more gawky
than the others.]

Teen #1:  I don't get this, if it failed with the New Mutants, why would
they give another ex-enemy another chance like that? They shouldn't have
let White Queen take over Generation X.

Teen #2:  But Magneto served the New Mutants well for a long time...

Teen #1:  Until he betrayed them, it's only a matter of time before.....
[He hears a sob.] What's that?
[They look up the path and see a red-haired girl sobbing on the
pavement.]

Teen #2:  She's probably just drunk.

Teen #1:  I'll go see what's wrong... [He starts to go up the path]

Teen #2:  Chris! Chris! [He doesn't respond] [Under his breath] Damn him..
he always did have a weakness for redheads.
[Teen #2 walks down the sidewalk, not waiting for Chris.]

Chris:  Hello..I hate to interrupt..

[Ranma turns up to him, a sneer on his face]

Ranma-Chan:  What do YOU want?

Chris:  Uh...I couldn't help but see you crying...

Ranma-Chan:  Why shouldn't I be crying? Is that against the law or
something?!

Chris:  [Sigh] What the hell is wrong with this generation? You're all
such a bunch of wimps! That's what we get for no longer have invincible
heroes. [He holds up a comic book and waves it around.] When kids grow
up they NEED heroes! They need role models! They need clean-cut guys
fighting evil, not substance-abusers fighting people who are
misunderstood!

[Ranma stares at him for quite a while.]

Ranma-Chan:  Was there any reason why you came here and said that?

Chris:  Yes, I needed a way for you to gain confidence to kill the Dark
King and save the world. Come on Ranma, this is your hour, do it!

Ranma-Chan:  YES! I will! [Turns to the Author] Thank you, Chris. That's
just what I needed. [He runs forward to the door of the tower. We pan
in on our author, smiling.]

Chris:  Ah, kids these days. [He walks off. We notice that the comic
book is no longer in his hand. We pan down to the grass to see what
comic book it was. It is "Professor Xavier and the X-Men."]

[We cut to the door of the tower. The lock is the cheap kind you find in
cereal boxes. Ranma turns the square 180 degrees and pulls the lock off
of the door.]

[We cut to the top of the tower. Kunou is sitting on the dais, waiting.]

Kunou:  Damn, where is that kid? He's a lot later than he was in the
original script.

[Suddenly the double-door to the temple explodes. We may think it was
some kind of cool Ki-blast, but it was really just Ranma blowing up
the door with TNT.]

Ranma-C:  I can hold no enemity against those...

Kunou:  You already did that.

Ranma-C:  [Sheepish Grin] Oh yeah, right. Umm....You want to make the
first move?

Kunou:  [Sigh] Sure, why not? Soul Bokken, appear!
[A bluish-black fuzzy spot appears near the hand of Tatewaki Kunou.
It grows and resolves itself into the form of an extremely evil looking
bokken.]

Ranma-C:  Ha! Kendo-wimp, I am of the Saotome School Of Indiscriminate
Grappling, and I don't need a weapon!

Kunou:  Oh yeah, and just how do you plan to defeat me, then?

Ranma-C:  Like this! [Ranma manages to leap across the entire length
of the rooftop and have his foot impact with Kunou's face, knocking
him to the ground.]

Kunou:  HEY! You can't do that, this isn't sentai!

Ranma-C:  [Putting down a long-bladed dagger with a weird handle] You're
no fun.

Kunou:  Die! [He leaps forward and slices the skirt off of Ranma-Chan's
dress.]

Ranma-C:  You bastard, how dare you do that?! It's bad enough that
I'm a girl, and now you have all those hentais at home drooling
over me!

Kunou:  Ah, it's too bad I have to kill you, I would have enjoyed
adding you to my harem. Oh well, life's a bitch, live with it.
[He takes another swipe with his bokken. Ranma-C does a back flip
and manages to leap out of the way.]

Kunou:  Stand still, will you?!

Ranma-C:  Ha ha! You will not survive this day!

Kunou:  Hey, only evil guys can say that line! Can we end this battle,
please?

Ranma-C:  Not yet, I still have to maintain my balance and leap off of
a column.

Kunou:  Sigh, all right. Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
[Ranma leaps unto the altar. But the air pressure has shattered the
stone and Ranma starts to fall off. He leaps onto the dais, and almost
falls off. He manages to maintain his balance however, and gives the
"V" sign to the camera. But his victory is short lived, however, as
Kunou surges forward and attempts to ram our heroine.]

Ranma-C:  Ahhhh! [She leaps up and stands sideways on a column, 
then she bounces off, stands on Kunou's head, bounces off again, 
and flies really high into the air.]

Kunou:  Oh no....he actually used DHY ideas for this battle! [Ranma
starts to fall towards Kunou, he turns upside down so that his hands
are facing Kunou. He gets within 7 feet of his enemy.]  MOUKOU
TAKABISHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[A huge blue ki-bolt leaps down forming a column of energy. Kunou is
trapped in the middle and screams as he is shocked to death. Ranma
finally comes down and stiffens his arm out and uses it to bounce off
the head of Kunou. Kunou falls to the ground soon after.]

Ranma-C:  Yatta! [Suddenly the tower starts to shake] Time for a hasty
retreat! Ukyo.... [He turns to where she was standing on the dais.
She takes one last look at Ranma, and vaporizes.] Ukyo!! [The tower
buckles more] Aw, screw it, time to retreat.
[He runs to a door marked "Elevator" and goes down.]



[We cut to the park. Ranma runs out of the elevator and away from
the tower. Suddenly the tower stops rocking. The spiritual energy
that had surrounded it throughout the entire battle disappears and
the tower fades back into the shadows.]

Ranma-C:  [Picks a piece of wheat out of the grass and looks at it.
He then looks up to the sky.] Ukyo. *

[We cut to the backyard of Ranma Tendo's house. She walks sullenly
up the path. Suddenly she looks up to see the back door open. She
runs up and sees Genma, Shampoo, and Nabiki all gorged and drunk,
lying on the floor. There is nary a scrap of food around. Banners
adorn the walls, it was apparently supposed to be a victory party.]

Genma:  Sorry, Ranma, we weren't sure that you were going to win,
so we ate all of the food in case it was our last meal.

Ranma-C:  YOU JERK!!!!!!!!!

[End Credits]

Written By: Chris Schumacher

Things that may need explanation:

* - This scene was a parody of one of the last scenes in Gundam 0083.

Re: Zack-> Zack was the original Black Power Ranger. He was also the
one with the largest appetite. This scene was originally supposed to
have Kubiac in it, but that became a bit cliche. Thanks to Walter
Jones for agreeing to show up in this.

Keep your eyes open for Mamono Hunter Ranma Revival #2, which will
bear almost no resemblance to the original!